HI! I'M MAGGIE
I host the Hello Deconstructionists podcast, where we collectively share our stories and experiences of leaving high control religion, along with what it’s been like for us to find new practices that help us feel good and confident in ourselves.
Many of us feel isolated while finding our way out of high control religion, because we don’t know who is safe to talk to, especially with friends we know from religious contexts. Consequently, we keep our doubts, questions, and fears to ourselves, adding to our feelings of shame and loneliness. If you feel like you’re deconstructing in secret, probably other people in your life are too, but it can be hard to know who they are and who is safe to open up to. On top of that, we can be desperately trying to fit in with the friends we start to make outside of the church, while trying not to draw attention to our religious upbringing, so talking about our experiences in those spaces can seem off limits too. Many of us are trying to feel normal in a world we’ve never felt we were allowed to be part of. And we’re left without a space to talk about what it feels like to drastically shift our beliefs. This podcast is a space to do just that–to share and to listen with people who are on this path alongside us.
I grew up in an evangelical church and internalized many of the harmful teachings of fundamentalist christianity. Concepts like total depravity and predestination, had a profound impact on my view of myself and of the world. Purity culture affected my own relationship with my body and my sexuality. The process out of those ways of thinking was full of shame, grief, and loneliness.
I think the church would view my moving out of Christianity as a “slow fade" ...that I fell victim to the “slippery slope.” But I view it as continually shifting my beliefs to match new experiences and new information, until I realized I was left with a new set of core beliefs---ones of love, humanity, and acceptance. Eventually, I saw that I didn’t need the church to practice any of those values, and I stopped going. I was out of church, and I had shifted my beliefs, but I had no idea where I fit. I began to realize that many of my friends were on parallel journeys of secretly finding their way out of religion, and I slowly and cautiously started opening up to them about what I believed–or didn’t believe. But I was still dealing with the fallout in my mind and body of all the harmful beliefs I had held for so long. I started going to therapy and acknowledged my anger for the first time. I was angry at the church for gaslighting me into thinking I was a horrible person and a sinner, angry at myself for believing them, and angry at the system for continuing to prey on vulnerable people making them feel stuck in the church as well.
I don’t think deconstruction is ever over, but I think I’ve found a healthy landing place for now, one that I expect will shift and change over time. I’m more confident in myself since leaving the church than I ever was in it. I’m still shedding some old habits, and sometimes my body still reacts to church related-triggers. But I’m learning to move through the world in a way that feels safer for me.
Sharing about what this was like for me and hearing from others has helped me feel more confident in myself, and I hope this podcast can help people like you do that too, whether you’re here to listen, or share, or both! In this space I will share many different stories and experiences of deconstruction to help you (and me!) feel less alone on our journeys. I have guests lined up who have deconstructed themselves, therapists who work with clients recovering from religious trauma, and friends of us deconstructed folks here to share what it was like listening to us go through this process. This is not a prescriptive podcast–there is no right answer, and no one way this should look. Collectively, we share many similar experiences, but each of our stories is unique to us.
The title, Hello Deconstructions, is a greeting and an invitation to join the conversation, especially to those of you who thought you were alone on this journey. It’s a way to welcome the lonely deconstructing person to the conversation and to this big, wonderful community.
Tune in January 2nd to hear episode one—a conversation with a friend, therapist, and fellow deconstructionist about their own journey out of church and into practices that help them feel good and whole. Thanks to all of you for listening. You are good, you are loved and you are worthy just as you are.